Today My Name Is...Heartache

 

 

I Loved You Best
-Jim Willis 2002

So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you'll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on, I'll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren't you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this...I loved you best.

 

Still on a bit of a down hill but I will come out to find the top, for that I am sure.

It's been a very rough past few days. Last week I thought I was just fighting the most brutal migraine to date. After two days of hugging a bucket and migraine meds not working their magic I was pretty sure I was fighting a battle with the flu instead. The flu is no friend of mine!

After taking a few much needed days to get through it and recover yet still not feeling 100% I went into Monday wondering how my body would hold up as that was my first day actually out of bed for the duration of the day. I made it through but sadly our old dog Thunder did not.

This surely gave me a reason to dislike Monday's. What a shitty way to start the week. What a shitty day and today is not much easier.

My heart is heavy yet I am thankful that there are 14 years of memories to fill the void. He was a brat, a stubborn alpha of the house and tough for his size. He was the dog who ran away after chasing a rabbit only to return the following day on his own. When my youngest was a baby he was always first to get in the baby swing. My oldest daughter and Thunder were buddies, she called him her brother. They did everything together when she was little much like the show Lassie or Old Yeller were and every other dog movie of a child and their dog.

 

 The latter years were not overly easy for him and he had a few medical issues in his younger years like the tumor we had removed by his eye when he was just a pup. We almost lost him when he was about 6yrs old when we took him in to get his teeth cleaned. He didn't handle the anesthisia well and his lungs filled with fluid. He struggled fought and made it through and home to us. We swore that we would never again put him through that. He was diagnosed about 4 years ago with a brain tumor after having a seizure. That was the first hit and we worried from that point what would follow. We were warned it could go quick or could be really hard and were given a choice about how to medicate. We chose not to as the vet said the medication often does send them on a down ward spiral sooner. We just wanted for him to enjoy his last days. A few seizures came in the months and years after, followed by failing kidneys and pancreas. We tried foods and medicines but in the end the vet said there was little we could do and he assured us that he was not in pain. He said with a dog like ours he would surely show if he was in pain.

There were good days and not so good days. Some days we wondered if the end was near and then the very next he would be running around like a puppy. He hated being groomed and hated getting his nails trimmed with a passion! After his seizures I would pray he would go quickly and peacefully in one as they were unbareable to watch. He was a tough boy! He stayed with us and even as his pace slowed and naps became longer he fought.

I knew yesterday it was the end. I don't know how but I did, just like I knew with my cat that it was time. I called and made the appointment to take him in the following day as they were booked for that night and figured I'd buy us some time to spend with him. He was just not his usual self, he wasn't laying down and his movements were slower and more unsteady than usual. He didn't seem to fuss. I think he wanted to go off and be alone, I know he knew.

At lunch when he tried to brace himself in a sitting position against the front door and teetered falling over I knew something was very wrong. When I went to him and called his name he turned to the door and would not come and that settled it, I knew he was going to go. I scooped him into my arms and called my husband home. I texted my girls and asked that they not bring friends home for lunch.

Thunder was purchased for me for my birthday, he was named after my husband's hockey team the Airdrie Thunder. Such a big name for a little dog, but he had a big way about him. While he was purchased for me he chose my husband as his best friend. He loved my husband and listened to him and followed him all over. We never had to put a leash on him as he would follow my husband.

Everyone made it home, each held Thunder in our arms and spoke our soft loving words for him to take with him. It helped that we knew he would have wonderful loving arms waiting for him. If we can't be with him it sure made it feel better to know our dear friend and grandma would be there.

My husband made a last attempt at hope when he tried to get Thunder to drink but he couldn't support himself and just laid before the bowl. So we set him for a moment on his dog bed and our big girl Bella came over and licked his face and nuzzled his head. I couldn't get over how the other two dogs were reacting. Kiedis was very needy, he wanted to be in our arms and seemed a little panicked. Bella was very obviously sad, her head hung low and in a very motherly way she kept tending to him, passing by to check on him while he was in our arms. Neither dog wanted outside yesterday for the most part and held on with him for the duration.

After that kiss from Bella my husband went to scoop Thunder back up and as he did Thunder slipped away. Like a rag doll he went in his best friends arms. It was beautiful, it was touching and downright heart breaking.

I called the vet to cancel. They had moved appointments to get us in sooner. Instead we brought him there to make the final arrangements. We will mount his paw prints in a frame and set it alongside Skaha's (my old cat) and his ashes will be spread in our flowerbeds as well as at Elbow Falls where we spread our friend Dale's ashes. Thunder adored Dale and Dale loved him. Thunder never liked men, he avoided almost all men but maybe a handful through his whole life but if Dale was around he would choose Dale's lap over my husbands and if our gates were open Thunder would go next door and keep Dale company in the yard.

I know he was a dog, a pet in our family but the tears fall freely down my cheeks today. Thunder was part of our family every day for 14 years and today the house is so quiet. The dogs are in mourning, the cat has done more circles than I can count as if looking for something which is completely unlike her and my parrot has been uncommonly quiet as well.

Thunder AKA Tunny AKA Tunny Buns AKA Tun...Thunder Bolt....Tunder Vetter...is going to be greatly missed in this house. He left everlasting paw prints on my heart. XOXO

Today My Name Is... Heartache