Hi My Name Is...: April 2013

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Today My Name Is...Completion #1

Flipping migraine and jaw! Missed yoga today and thought it was the last day so I was super bummed. Then a few hours later I got a text that we are still doing 3 more days. YAY! So happy. It's like a little mini bonus. Who would be happy about 3 extra days at 5:15am? ME!!

So I said I would post and here it goes.

April 30th Measurements:

Hips: 44in Chest: 39in Thighs: 26in
Biceps: 12in Waist: 33in.

Not a lot of movement in terms of weight loss. As mentioned my weight was 166 pounds and it's now 163-164. So nothing special, that said I didn't do much to make a dent in terms of portioning. I ate healthy though. As for the measurements, I lost 2in in my chest, 1in in my hips, but the greatest result was the 5in lost in my waist! Not a lot but again it wasn't a month of yoga where we pushed through intense hour long yoga classes. They all felt great, I feel better over all and I am happy that I saw some results.

I am so happy to report...30 days of early freaking mornings...30 days of Yoga....I DID IT!!! Move over Challenge number 1...I proved that I could do it and do what a few thought I wouldn't be able to. I said if I could do it, I can do anything. I am ready to take on new challenges to better my life, challenge myself and while on the path learn a lot about myself as well.

As we head into May tomorrow I spent a few moments doing a monthly budget, planning for what needs to get done and what I would like to get done.

In May I would like to get:
-front room fireplace wall painted RED! Adding color to my life :) Hope to have that done this weekend.
-flower beds dug/set up and hopefully some planting done (More mid to end of May)
-blood work done on both our male dogs to see how our nearly 14yr old Chihuahua is doing as well as our soon to be 8yr old poodle.

I intend to continue with Yoga. I enjoy it and the way it has made me feel is worth continuing. I may only go 3-4 times a week or I may go 5+ times. It's something I have in the budget for myself.

Now as for May's Challenge! Dun dun dun!!!!

MONTH LONG MAY CHALLENGE!!!

1. 30 Day Weight Watchers Challenge!! Pages already printed to keep track!
2. 30 Day List Challenge WITH my girls!! Will pick up nifty notebooks tonight.
3. 30 Day Marriage Challenge! My hubby has no idea which will be even better to blog about.

As previously posted here is the 30 days of lists:

A few will be adapted for my daughters as they are too young. Although maybe it would be cute hearing their ideas for a date night. We will see.

Here are the 30 Day Marriage Challenges

Each day I will write which I did as well as how it went.:) He may be clueless that I have done anything on some of these however there is something to be said about a person doing things for others and I am sure at the end of the month I will feel good that he was my focus. It's rare as parents and busy parents at that, that we do much now. Sad to say we don't do lot for anniversaries, birthdays and I cannot recall the last time we went on a date. Perhaps this simple but important challenge will help us to reconnect and change things going forward.

It's exciting to set challenges that are do-able, what's even better is reaching the end of the month and saying...."I DID IT!!" It feels great today. I cannot wait to be able to say the same again 30 days from now. Heck, it'll feel even better to see some stuff crossed off the To Do list as well like the red wall painted. May = Feel Good. :)

My 2013 year long challenge is to remain a non-smoker & to complete the 52 week Money Challenge. Presently we are on week 18!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Today My Name Is...Progression

I have once again missed a few days of updating my blog. Not a lot happened to report. Friday there was no yoga as it was canceled due to my teacher being sore. The weekend brought with it a migraine that hung around. Thankfully it was not as intense as some I have had but none the less I had a migraine. I am thankful to report that April brought few migraines or headaches. In fact the last I can recall was end of March or early April.

I am in the healing stage, coming to terms with what is. It sucks but it's part of life and my grandmother lives on daily in memory and in my heart. Each time I see Canadian Geese I am reminded of her. She enjoyed watching them from the hospital in her final months.

I am still seeing 7:11 constantly and have no clue why. Additionally I am not seeing 6:11, 9:11...and so forth. Messages from the universe but of what I am not sure. Hopefully the answer comes.

The weekend brought a lot of lacrosse, family dinner shared with my parents, sister, her husband and my two wonderful nieces. I adore them. Sadly they leave today back to Slave Lake. The weekend also brought nice weather although windy allowing for spring yard work to get done. Power raked, tidied...the yard is ready for some top soil, more grass seed and fertilizer...then in May sometime we can put in the flowerbeds and plant! I am so excited.

I had fun with my girls and we made dog and cat treats. It was fun bonding and gave the girls a fantastic idea which I will report on later if it takes off. The pupcakes they made were a huge hit and very tasty even for us non-furred folks. As for the cat treats...our cat is a prissy fussy little lady and stuck her nose high and turned her tail to them. The dogs on the other hand were happy to try a bite and loved the cat treats too which contained wild salmon.

April was a whirlwind of ups and downs. A roller coaster really of life. Looking back it was a month where I really took control and managed to make it through a challenge that only became harder with the loss of my grandmother and fighting my way through saddness to complete it. The time of 5:15-6:15am is challenge enough, but doing it all month minus a few days is something I am proud of. Especially when my husband bet that I wouldn't make it more than a few days. Pat on the back. Tomorrow completes the challenge and I will report measurements. Weight I can say has not changed but I'm sure there's been movement of measurements as clothing fits better. Over all yoga has brought me flexibility, strength, over all better feeling physically. I have had less migraines and headaches which I am not sure is linked to yoga but perhaps? My skin looks fresh. I recommend yoga! I will continue I'm sure. Like I said early in my blog, if I can be up at such insane hours for yoga I can do anything. This challenge was a real kick off for what is to come. I can do anything I put my mind to.

While I didn't finish my weight watchers 1/2 month challenge I did continue with healthy home cooked meals, and was more aware of what I was eating. As mentioned my weight has not really moved, but that said muscle weighs more than fat and if my body has leaned out at all and developed strength I have to think the fat has converted to muscle. Nothing happens over night and this blog is here for me to look back at to see how over time and with focus and positivity things do happen. I can see what works, what I enjoy and share with others my life journey.

A good quote to live by is the one above. If you don't take a step and try you'll never know what you miss. Take a shot...I'm looking forward to growing through the challenges and life experiences I will do each day, each month and through the years.

April also brought a reminder to seriously cherish and love those near and dear and spend time with them. I was able to enjoy more time with family all around, as well as family and cousins I haven't seen in years. It was great to see everyone and I am happy I was able to reconnect even given under the circumstances. My girls learned life lessons this month and I am proud of how they have treated one another and thought of family near and far during this time. I am raising loving girls who are completely amazing.

Tomorrow will bring the big report for April and I will touch base on May's challenge. YAY!

Today My Name Is...Progression

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Today My Name Is...Lost

It's Wednesday. I just published the post I started on Monday. It lacked pictures, I just didn't know what to put.

I missed yoga yesterday. I claimed to have slept in and really I did. I couldn't move. It wasn't that my body was sore or that I was up to late, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am finding that it's completely hit me, I have lost my grandmother whom I adored. While I have memories I lack her in the physical sense. There have been so many moments the last few days where I have wanted to call her or have mentioned her completely forgetting or perhaps just denying that she is gone. I can still hear her voice in mind, her laugh. While my tears are not a stream my heart hurts. I cannot imagine not seeing her again. I have so many emotions at the present time.

I went to yoga today. I love how my body feels but my heart is not with it. I wish my positivity would resurface and motivation. I am bummed, that pretty much sums it up. Bummed, mad, sad...lost.

I have stopped the Weight Watchers half month challenge. While doubling up and keeping busy with challenges might be a good thing I also think it could make me feel worse if I don't do well. So I will start a 30 day Weight Watchers in May. Start fresh and hopefully by then I will be feeling more myself and not so deeply pained by the loss come the first of May. I don't see this as quitting but rather supporting myself at this time. Setting myself up for success vs failure.

I wish I had more to say. I keep pressing on, crossing off things to do, glad my daughters and job keep me busy. I wish I had another day to spend with my grandma. I wish we could all live forever. Just one more Yahtzee game...one more hug. I am sad, but lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing grandmother who loved us all dearly. I am far better for having had her in my life and know the depth of my sadness is only because I know of what greatness I have lost.

Today My Name is...Lost

Today My Name Is...Hurt

Just as I thought, the blog would have to wait until at least today.

Friday was a mess. I thought I was okay until Friday. I spent Thursday evening at my parents with my sister and my nieces and we all shared memories, stories, songs and pictures> Come 4:30am Friday morning my body refused to firstly move out of bed and secondly hurt like everything. I knew then that I had completely over done it the day before at yoga and was paying for it then. So I sent a text, missed Friday and felt bad for missing. That seemed to cripple my day and put me in a funk. While I still worked, enjoyed my day to a degree there seemed to be a cloud lingering.

By evening I was starting to crumple. I think I was starting to come to the realization that Saturday I would be saying a final farewell to my grandmother. The pain of the loss was sinking in. I ended up in an argument with my hubby, our big dog ate our dinners...everything seemed to be going wrong. I couldn't seem to find positivity that evening.

Saturday we set out bright and early on the road to Medicine Hat. The sun was out, it was beautiful and I knew my grandmother was there smiling down on us. We saw lots of wildlife on our drive to the Hat, we even had a few cows/bulls approach and come onto the highway. We made it to the Hat by 10:15am, went straight to the hotel, then across to the mall to meet with my mother and sister and then returned back to the hotel to get ready.

1:30pm we all met at the cemetery and by all I mean almost 50 if not 50 of us in the family. My heart broke for each of my aunts, uncles, cousins and all the grandchildren and great grandchildren there who felt the depth of the loss as well. It hit me as I was sure it would, especially when my cousins together carried her ashes to the grave. It was a beautiful and brief ceremony as she would have wished and the warm sun comforted us throughout until the moment everything was wrapped up and then a fierce wind, rain and grey sky blew in forcing us to all run for the shelter of our vehicles. Grandma C I knew had given us all the boot just as she would if she was there in person...she didn't want us to stay and linger. From there we went to celebrate her full life shared with many friends. Friends and family had traveled from near and far to be there, she had been a wonderful part of many lives, touched so many and it was obvious.

It was an exhausting Saturday and I felt badly that I had not been overly social. I visited with a few but for the most part I sat taking in everyone present and reflecting on the fullness of her life.

Sunday we all met at her apartment to divvy up her belongings between many. We made a huge dent leaving little. I couldn't get over how much she had let alone where she had stored it all. Her place was always so neat and tidy and then as I stood in the overwhelmingly packed apartment I realized she had so much, many memories linked to every item. We all shared her treasures as if keeping a piece of her. She collected Bells and had so many so we all took a few. I took the rabbit foot that she had in her car for well over 30 yrs. It had lost the fur and you could see the toes and nails but it held memories for all of us and I couldn't bare the thought of it being tossed if no one claimed it. It will sit in my jewelery box. My girls said later that grandma was very loved and they could tell by all of her items and that she cherished everyone proudly with love. Some very amazing pieces were in her collection of items passed down through generations or gifted to her. I am honored to have a few.

As we left the Hat I realized that was the last time I would visit her apartment, and likely the last time we as a huge family would all be under the same roof together and it was emotional.

Thank you for the memories Grandma, for the fun times, the fantastic family, the lessons learned from you and stories and so much history I will cherish. XOXO

Life continues and it did for me bright and early, 4:30am again. I struggled for a moment as the alarm went off but then hopped out of bed and went to yoga. We did restorative which was fine by me as I am still a little sore. I feel better now. My day has been okay despite my heart being sore. The weather is stunning, the sun again comforting.

I didn't stick to counting points while down in Medicine Hat so I am not too sure how much of a dent I will have made in half a month doing weight watchers. That said I will continue into May and am positive to see results then. Just the same I am proud of myself given everything on my plate this month that I managed to continue with Yoga and being as positive as I have been.

Today is the first day I move forward knowing my Grandmother is no longer here, and today is a day for my former classmates family and friends to bid her an 'Until we meet again'. My thoughts are with so many as we all take a step forward minus amazing people in our lives. I am also thinking of my great aunt in BC who suffered a heart attack this weekend and is in critical condition. We used to stop every year in Revelstoke to visit her. I have many fond memories of her as well.

Today My Name Is...Hurt

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Today My Name Is...Content

It's Thursday! Yay, one step closer to the weekend. Totally looking forward to seeing family but not so much bidding farewell to my grandmother.

It's been a crazy week, the death of a former schoolmate, the Bombing at Boston Marathon and last night a massive explosion at a plant near Waco Texas. It wasn't certain if it was due to criminal or what just yet. The town was for the most part leveled with 15 dead and a high number injured. Reports stated that the roof of a nursing home had caved in, middle school was on fire and massive damage to an apartment building. The details are still coming on the Texas explosion. As for Boston, no justice yet as no arrest has been made. Terrible few days in the US. My heart goes out to all those affected by these terrible events.

On a more positive note it was a fantastic morning of yoga today. Everyday should be like this. I can already feel it so I am sure tomorrow I will be moving a little slower although I won't let it stop me. I LOVE YOGA! The over all benefits of Yoga are HUGE!

Seriously found a new passion. It's not intense insane where I am dreading it or once I start I can't wait for it to be over. 5:15am isn't even brutal when yoga is included. Mornings have been a breeze, I am energized all day and getting more accomplished throughout the day and even towards the end of the day. I'm starting to get myself into a lovely routine where I am even in bed by 10pm. My positivity level and moods have increased, I am content and negative seems almost blocked truthfully. I am not trying but it just seems like such a waste to focus or even allow a moment of negative to creep my mind. I am also managing everything on my To-Do list without over stressing or working myself into panic.

As my grandmother would say:

I am looking forward to so much but trying to remain in the moment. Results come from taking life one day at a time so not to lose track of the main goal. It's not so much weight loss but health that I long to continue seeing improve. I feel so good right now and while my weight may not register as differing much at all my emotional and physical feel drastically different. I am still fighting with my right arm though, that is the only downside and it may be permanent but anything I can do to make a dent and feel better is worth it. Yesterday I almost dropped a sheet of chicken from the oven! Occasionally I still get numbness or lose momentary use of my arm. Yesterday was one of those moments, but I didn't let it get to me. Thankfully I grabbed the tray with my left hand and all was well.

Focus will remain in the area's of overall health and eating healthy balanced meals in appropriate portions. Today is Hawaiian Meatballs a family favorite for dinner. It is a recipe that I found on Pinterest. While pinning ideas for around the house, crafts, meals and so forth the other day I came across a link to build your own Cookbook. I have always thought of compiling a Family Cook book so I can pass along favorite meals to my girls but additionally it would be a fantastic gift to share with family. I will add this to a list of things I wish to accomplish over the next year....my goal, have it complete prior to Christmas.

Speaking of food I have started the Weight Watchers 1/2 month challenge. I did Weight Watchers years ago with huge success. Literally like 60 pounds in 6 months! It was fast results! I went from 185 after having both my daughters to 110pounds. I may have even been 105 at one point. At 5'4 my husband said I was far too skinny and that I looked like a waif, sickly thin. So I stopped counting points, went back to bad eating habits and thought everything was okay since the weight wasn't returning. After about 4-6 months of eating crap the weight suddenly showed up. I have tried in recent years and months to get back on Weight Watchers but it's hard! Don't ever stop anything you that is working for you, especially if you are like me where getting back on board is tough to do. I am going to do this though for the next 2 weeks. I like how weight watchers works, how the results are quick too. I say two weeks as that is generally the time frame I need to get into routine of counting and measuring portions, after that it becomes habit and then I can make it a daily thing and continue. Right now I am viewing it as a challenge.

Wow all these challenges I am putting on myself...soon people will call me challenged. Haha. I don't mind especially if it motivates me. I look forward to seeing how the challenges wrap up.

The weather has been teasing lately, the sun will show up for a day or even a few hours and then rain which turns into snow rears it's ugly self. I'm done winter!! Go away!! I want to landscape and plant all sorts of things in the back yard and front yard. I want green grass, tank tops and shorts, drinks on the deck....I wouldn't even complain about bugs at this point. That's Calgary for you...wait 5 minutes and it'll be something else.

Well with lots to do still before I jetty out of town I should get on the horse and get going to get everything done so I can get to bed early tomorrow night. In all likelihood I will not have time to blog from today until Monday. There's a possible chance I may tomorrow but I'm guessing last minute things will land on my plate and time will run out for me to update. So I will report back on Monday.

Today My Name Is...Content

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Today My Name Is...Positivity

I am still going strong on my 30 Day Yoga Challenge!! YAY ME! It's a feel good for sure!

I was on a bit of a roller coaster between the last post and this one. So many emotions and feelings after a loss. It's been a time of reflection, time spent with those I love most, my family and my parents reminiscing about my grandmother and going through some of her things my dad brought home. This coming weekend we will celebrate the full life she lived in the company of family and friends and remember her for the amazing woman she was.

I've been in denial and remain to be in denial and know it will hit this weekend. Anger has been a companion in moments I think of the loss. I am mad that she is gone, it is far too soon and I wish there was more time. I am mad that she is not here still to spend time with my girls, they adored her. She was so fun and had a wonderful spirit.

I continue seeing 7:11 often. I keep googling meanings behind the numbers and time. I believe I am coming into spiritual awakening from reading all the meanings behind the numbers. In short, I am basically in a very positive place, which I already knew of course as I have previously posted. This is a good sign no doubt confirming such. Something deep within me tells me there's more to it though, thus why I continue to dig. Perhaps a meeting with a psychic is in order. Has anyone that reads this post had any personal experiences with psychics they can share? Positive? Negative?

It's been a positive path I am walking. It's true what they say, whatever you put out to the universe is returned. Life is pretty good even as I tread through life without my grandmother. I carry the fact she is with me in spirit and that is comforting.

As the world turns so much continues to unfold around me. An old school friend passed away just yesterday, from what I am not sure but sad none the less. She was far too young to go so soon. I know we all have a time and we will never know exactly when until the time comes but it's times like this when it's really not fair to see a person go, especially before they've really lived. A life cut short.

There was a bombing at the Boston marathon yesterday as well. 2 bombs exploded at the finish line killing 3, injuring 140+ with many in critical condition. One of the dead was an 8yr old child. It's a sad world. Just before Christmas was the school shooting at Sandy Hook elementary that took the lives of 20 children, 6 teachers. What is the world coming to? These events happened in the United States but any act of terrorism is far too close to home when an event like that happens. My thoughts are with those affected by these horrendous acts of evil.

Last Friday I did yoga in the evening. It was interesting to see how much more flexible I am in the evening in comparison to the morning. It was a fun evening and we all laughed through the stretches. As I was nearing the half way mark I bought myself shorts and a tank top to continue my yoga practice as I said I might. Not fancy Lululemon stuff but just the same it's nice to have fitting clothes for yoga.

The weekend was a bit emotional, lots was accomplished but had it's moments that drained me emotionally. Knowing how uplifting, relaxing and wonderful I feel after restorative yoga I had my husband and oldest daughter come along Sunday morning for a restorative class, the proceeds go to the Flames Rotary House in memory of a dear friend of ours and previous neighbor. My husband said it was relaxing and he felt muscles he hasn't felt in ages, he would go again. My oldest said she prefers a regular yoga class. I think for the final weekend of April I will take in both the Sunday yoga class and restorative class and bring my oldest along.

Monday's morning yoga we all passed on. With a shift in weather I thought I'd have a little one arriving earlier that usual. It didn't happen however. We all had something or other going on so we all caught a few winks of extra sleep. It's funny though, the days we do not get up or need to our body's are now accustomed to the early morning hour. I was up with ease both Friday and Monday. Other days when I do need to go it's generally a struggle, but today I was again able to get up, be wide awake and eager to go. So I'm thinking my body has adjusted. It was a good work out today. I am sure I will feel it tomorrow and I look forward to tomorrow...it's crunch time, half a month left. Today I held the Tree pose well on both sides without teetering or falling. I think that's what the pose is called. Just a milestone but I was proud.

I said I might post measurements and weight mid month to see what if any changes came from doing yoga. I can say without question that my body feels better. I miss days when I do not have yoga, or at least morning yoga. I know my weight has not changed much. The end of the month will be interesting I am sure. I can't wait. I am addicted to yoga and look forward to next month and doing it with my daughter!

I am starting a mid month challenge though and adding in weight watchers from now until the end of the month. I had great success years ago on weight watchers and it never denied me the ability to eat what I wanted. I have been eating healthy so this challenge is more about portion sizes. I will report with results at the end of the month. :) I will however take my mid month measurements now and post them at the end of the month to show if there was change in 2 weeks of yoga.

In spite of it all I remain positive. We have the choice to wake up and be upset, quit, do nothing. We also have the choice to get up, move, do something, make choices and be positive. It's so much easier to be positive. See the goodness in everything. Live for today, love those around you, and stop and smell the roses.

Today My Name Is...Positivity

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Today My Name Is...Okay

Restorative Yoga is amazing. We planned it for Friday but as we sat there at 5:15am yawning and all saying how we had to seriously push ourselves to move today so we opted for restorative today. We will push through an excellent session to take us into the weekend tomorrow.

I get so relaxed during restorative. I guess it's key to be able to fully relax to get the most out of restorative yoga. These long poses and stretches feel so good, this could become an addiction that my husband would be ok with and that I would be happy to commit to for life. We did a new stretch for the arms which worked more on the shoulders. I was told to respect my shoulder, listen to it and not push myself in this pose. I listened. It hurt but felt good. I can really see my left side compensating for my injured right side and how little I can move my right arm in some poses. I am focused on the future and working up to a point where I can move my right equal to the left. That is my goal.

It's Thursday and while I woke up not wanting to do anything and had to convince myself to get my ass up I decided I would have a positive day. I got more laundry in, did some quick clean up around the house, enjoyed breakfast and a cup of coffee and made my spring cleaning list and to do list for today as well as started a grocery list. I told you I like lists.

Today I turned my daily focus into organization, removing items off of my to do list so I could feel ahead of the game once again and center on spirituality. The plan is to get stuff done and read. I felt like yesterday I got another message from the universe and there's something I am supposed to know. I feel strength, determination and will power.

We won't be heading to the Hat this weekend. Instead we will stay back and get some much needed stuff done around here and prepare for the following weekend. Lacrosse and my youngest daughter's costume make-up sessions on the weekend in prep for the school play will keep us busy. I didn't get much done last weekend so I will gain ground.

After horseback riding lessons tonight for my youngest we were offered a 1/4 lease on the horse she is riding. He's amazing for a 6 year old. So very well trained, beautiful to watch. The 1/4 lease wouldn't differ monthly cost by much and she would gain 4 extra rides on top of her 4 lessons totaling 8 rides/month. As spring is here and we promised her that come this time we would increase the lessons and rides for the benefit of skill improvement and overall development this might be the perfect time. I wonder how insane we will be between lacrosse with our oldest playing for 2 teams and 8 rides/month plus dance. Could be interesting. I've asked if we could possibly try a lease next month to see how it works for us. Fingers crossed.

My head is scattered with so many thoughts and directions focus on this update is a struggle. Hopefully tomorrow my mind is a bit more clear.

I love this song, I love Chris Cornell. Not sure if I spelled his name correct but what a babe. This song has made me think of my grandmother a lot over the last few days, connecting with the fact that as she is no longer here in the physical she will be along for all of our journey's in one form or another be it the sun, wind, road or whatever it might be. It's a beautiful way to think of our loved ones remaining with us as we continue our journey in life.

Today My Name Is...Okay....because I'm going to be just that. I just need time.

Today My Name Is....7:11

I am struggling with everything this week. While I maintain a strong front, inside my inner self is a tornado of thoughts. Frustration, sorrow, happiness, anger. I cannot bring myself to come to terms with the fact my grandmother is gone. I watch video's of her and look at pictures and get upset wanting to yell BS as if someone was in my face telling me she is gone but lying. At the same time I am so proud of myself for doing Yoga and still on track with my challenge. I am trying so hard to stay focused.

I am determined and I have will power.

Yoga was good today, I was a little sore but otherwise good. In Savasana at the end of our morning yoga I was completely and totally relaxed as if elsewhere. Maybe I fell asleep? At one point it felt as though the floor opened up beneath me and swallowed me in, I felt as though I was falling and gasped and sat up. It was so weird! Has anyone had an interesting experience like this is Savasana?

I got home after and energized I got a few quick chores done before sitting down with a coffee to catch some morning news. My girls were both having a rough morning, I think we may all be coming to terms with what is eventual....grandma is not with us in the physical sense anymore. I think we are all emotionally drained. I left my girls in bed and let them lay there until they got themselves up. Both went to school in the afternoon.

It's been a good day overall. New play-doh was made, we had leftover chicken quinoa bean chili for lunch which was even better than the night before. Laundry has made it in, beds have been sprinkled with baking soda and lavender....things are getting done. I think I personally am keeping busy to avoid facing what I know is true.

My grandmother and family have not left my mind once despite trying to stay busy. My father is headed to Medicine Hat this weekend to be with his sisters, and I think my oldest and I may go along. We both want to be with family. All of us will go the following weekend for the celebration of Grandma's life. Reality should hit when I get down to the Hat. I fear it, yet I need it, I need to come to terms with it.

I know she is with me, I can feel it. She was a pillar of strength and she must be sharing it now. She is part of the earth now and everything in it and a part of it.

Now what I find odd is that every time I seem to look at the clock it's either 7:11am or 7:11pm. What does that mean? It must be a signal or have under lying meaning. So I googled and came up with this for the number 11. Oddly a Megan on this web page asked what the meaning behind seeing 7:11 was and this was the reply she received:

According to Doreen Virtue’s book Angel Numbers 101, the meaning of 11 is the following: “Stay positive! Your thoughts are materializing rapidly so you want to ensure positive outcomes by focusing only on the good within yourself, others, and this situation.” **I think this is a positive answer in relation to my present**

On another web page I came across this answer for what 7:11 could mean:

In numerology, 7 is a number of introspection, connection with ancient wisdom, and finding answers within. In numerology, 11 is a number of spirituality, teaching, and spiritual leadership. The numbers 7 and 11 resonate well and support each other.

It's interesting that lately when I look for answers online, new challenges and more that I come across people with the same name, similar interests or same question. With so many people on earth though I guess it is possible to have multiple people with same names and life questions or common factors. Maybe it's a sign and maybe it's not. Interesting though.

In my attempts to keep busy I have been researching the paleo diet, trying to get things done around the house and focusing ahead on new challenges. There's never a shortfall of things to get done. My procrastination seems to creep as the days wear on though.

I've been debating if I should post a mid month update with a picture and measurements or just wait until the end of the month. The end of the month would be more revealing. I'll sit on this idea. I still have a few days before mid month. It's going by fast even if this week feels like it is passing slower than molasses.

Time to wind down and try to drift off earlier. I haven't been sleeping well so perhaps crawling into bed earlier might help, although I have my doubts. In any case I'm off. In the coming days should I miss a post here and there understand I may be otherwise occupied with family and life in general.

Today My Name Is...7:11

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Today My Name Is...Numb

It's Tuesday....

I am glad to be keeping busy. I am happy I decided not to take time off yoga or work to grieve. Yoga is a feel good and I need that right now and as a day home provider having the kids around allows for busy days and many laughs.

Yesterday I pushed myself maybe a bit more than I should have and perhaps I should have modified a few poses a little but I want to feel better so badly. Anyways...I pissed my nerve off in my arm. Numbness and tingling has been abundant as well as a shooting pain. Thankfully it has not extended to the neck or jaw. I will knock on wood now.

Yoga was modified a bit today, not solly for my purpose. I never said a thing, but I am glad it was. I managed to do everything. I can feel it all over but not painfully so to where I cannot move or function. My muscles are all just letting me know they are there and it's nice.

When I returned home from yoga yesterday at 6:30am I crawled back into bed. Today I did not. Instead I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to watch morning tv. I planned out my day, made mental note of what I wanted to get done around the house in free moments and put on a new crockpot chicken chili recipe with quinoa. It was delish!

I would have loved to go for a walk along the ridge but the air was cool with a bit of a bite. As ridge walks are longer and being a little nippy we went for a shorter walk/run to expend some energy before lunch and naps. I wish the sun had a stronger and warmer effect. Snow can just go now.

I'm surprising myself with getting things accomplished right now. Even groceries were picked up and tax stuff prepared. I find myself mad though inside, upset that my grandmother, such an amazing woman is no longer here, it's as if it's a lie and I am pissed at the liar. So very hard to believe. I am going to miss her deeply.

The best but sad part of all of this is how family that has not talked in a while comes together. Death brings a family together and love is abundant. That's the saddest part of death. We can't make time or don't when a person is alive and then when there is a death we all come together. I spoke with a few cousins and we all agreed. We said perhaps a family reunion or weekend camping would be nice in the future, grandma would love that.

I am numb of that I am sure. For my girls I think it is starting to sink in. My youngest came home after school instead of staying to do make-up practice for the school play. She has been quiet which is very unlike her. My oldest is writing and drawing, but that's not uncommon. It's a good tool for coping.

It's Tuesday....I think this will be a long week.

Today My Name Is....Numb

Monday, April 8, 2013

Today My Name Is....Heartache

I am sorry for the sporadic posts. My grandmother passed away Saturday at 9:30am. It was with a heavy heart that we all went through the weekend.

It's Monday and I am still finding it hard to come to the realization that she is gone, it seems unreal. I just saw her a few weeks ago. Numb would best describe the way I feel. I'm making it by but not truly comprehending that she is no longer with us.

Her humor and strong wonderful personality remained with her right up until the end and she went in peace and without pain. I am thankful it was fairly quick and that she was not in pain. I am just sad that there will not be another tomorrow to spend with her. Our family will find the next days, weeks, months and going forward a struggle I have no doubt. Holidays will be hard. My grandmother was a woman who brought us all together, and was strong for all of us. She brought an abundance of love, laughter and great memories to each and every one of us. Through the loss of two husbands and a daughter she remained positive and upbeat. She never let anything beat her and was a fighter until the end able to keep up with all of us. She was positive and a giver, never asking for anything in exchange. She gave and gave with a heart of love. Our happiness was her reward.

My oldest daughter is so immensely thankful she was able to share another ringette game with her and gain a bronze in provincials just weeks ago. It was an exciting moment to share with her great grandmother. Our last visit was not nearly long enough and I wish in a way that it hadn't been a ringette filled weekend. My grandmother wouldn't have had it any other way. She was so proud of my girls. So proud of every single one of us in the family. My youngest is sad that she did not come. She is taking the loss a little harder it appears or at least more openly emotional. We all loved her dearly.

We all grieve because we are without Grandma. I am sure she is up in heaven with my grandfathers, her parents, her daughter and now able to be with all of us at once and she wouldn't change that. She is able to golf and move free of her oxygen tanks. She is our angel. I know she will watch over us and be with us to share in every moment still.

I really wish I could see her just one more time, to hug her one last time and remind her how much I love her. She left knowing she was loved tremendously.

My heart is heavy as I am sure it will remain for sometime. I am going forth strong as she would have wanted. I did not take off work as she would not want me or anyone to stop their lives to mourn. She would not want us sad, but it's hard when we know who we lost and what an amazing person she was.

Monday began with an inner argument...I didn't want to get out of bed, no different from the weekend, but I did. I pushed myself to get up.

I got up and made it to yoga. It was good to be at yoga, and pushed hard today in new poses that challenged every muscle. I am positive tomorrow I will be sore. I just tell myself that the pain is a reminder that I am alive, and I have the ability to do this while others do not. I remind myself that I am doing this to better my body in every way. It feels good and I remind my body that the stretches feel good, I enjoy it. I'm glad I got up and pushed myself to go. Yoga was a feel good, it lifted my spirits even if only for an hour.

I made fresh buns again for lunches. My grocery list came together, budgeting got done, a list of things to do completed. I needed to keep busy.

I am thankful that I have family around to lean on, and grateful for my supportive friends. I am blessed to be surrounded by truly wonderful people, a big part of that support are those from the ringette community both past that I played with, and present that my girls play with. Sports are more than just a game or team, they really become so much more.

Through it all I maintain positivity and motivation determined to continue my challenge and see life transformation. I thank my Grandmother for being the person she was, a lady I looked up to, one who has left me with a lifetime of fun memories I will cherish. I thank her for her time shared with us and for all that she did. She was truly amazing. She was the bomb, a real kick ass grandmother. Our family is short one very special person but we are all better for having had her in our lives. XO Grandma C, Rest in Peace. Much love always and forever until we meet again!

Today My Name Is....Heartache

Friday, April 5, 2013

Today My Name Is...Restore

I woke up once again at 4:50am ready to take on the day, excited about another morning yoga. I managed to get dressed and ready and it wasn't until I went to brush my teeth that I felt the aching muscles. Ooooh no pain no gain right? How wonderful! I was estatic at 5am to feel so sore. I wondered if I would feel anything after getting home yesterday and my body feeling so good all day.

I made it once again on time, achy and wondering how I would again do the poses and hold them with sore muscles but was pleasantly surprised to hear we were going to do restorative yoga. LOVE IT!

Restorative Yoga was like waking up, going through passive stretching which felt so darned good and it was so calming. The calm mix of moves and peaceful atmosphere and sounds of nature playing had me feeling as though I had almost drifted through this class asleep. I felt very relaxed as it ended, not energized like the day before. I knew one thing, I was in love with everything about restorative yoga. I cannot wait for my next restorative.

I made it two days and have no concern at all making it through the rest of the month. I'm generally up at 6:30am Monday to Friday but being up at 4:50am and doing yoga before my day really begins leaves me feeling accomplished. It's a great way to start and I now wonder why the heck I didn't make this challenge years ago! It didn't even have to be morning yoga, just yoga in general. I am happy to report I have found something I can do and enjoy and benefit from outside of work, family and everyday hustle and bustle of insane family schedules.

I feel as though I have stumbled on who I have longed to be over the last 2 year struggle. I feel blessed and rewarded to have such positivity with me, and am thankful for the ongoing motivation that remains with me. I'm in Rebuild and working on the restorative work on myself, how perfect that today was a peaceful restorative session.

I have felt over the last two years as I stumbled into a clouded blur that I had lost sight of who I was, I was reaching and grasping but never gaining a solid hold and I now know why. I didn't belong, I was on the wrong path and so nothing was able to stick as it was not meant to be a part of me. I needed to heal myself as a whole, instead I pushed myself to do things that hurt and got me down. I would see limits, feel pain, feel failure, realize I was no longer able to do the same things as before. Negative thankfully reflected away instead of sinking in to leave permananent damage, allowing me to find the light to renew. I consumed myself with giving and I still do however I have now found that taking back and taking time for me is a positive charge and balance flows better. All I could do was give time to others around me as I attempted to be somewhat positive through my pain.

Everything happens for a reason. Mistakes happen so we can learn. For whatever reason we were in that car accident there has to be a reason. I think perhaps it was so we could open our eyes once again to really see things around us and get up out and do things, new things and experience beyond. Maybe to feel this determination, motivation, and accomplished, the final reward of learning through new experiences and rebuilding. I have to say I appreciate a lot more now. Life being #1...but also what we all have that we take for granted every day...our ability to walk, throw, see, hear. It could have been worse and I am thankful that it wasn't.

My day was not as busy as the previous. I took today to enjoy, spend time with my youngest while my oldest was on ice in Cochrane. I got house work done, other general house work. My oldest lost her first game of the tournament in a shoot out. She played the first period and at the half it was 3-1 for my daughters team. Another goalie played the second period and it ended 3-3 going to a shoot out where they lost. It is always so hard to lose like that, especially being a goalie. Now having a daughter who plays in net I have a much deeper respect for goalies and their emotions and the position in general. Wins and Loses weigh heavy on them and are taken personal.

My youngest daughter helped around the house and did some knitting. Both of my girls are very crafty and artistic. I worked on my blog and then had the inceling to search the web for Megan Blogs to see what else Megan's were blogging about and saw a few cool ones. One which really caught my eye was 30 Days of Lists. This 30 Days of Lists Megan is just like me!!!!! Seriously it was scarey haha. Like her I write lists constantly. I have apps to make lists, budget lists, grocery lists, to do lists, pinterest lists, meal plan lists....you name it. So this challenge totally appeals to me!

May I had blogged that I would do a 30 Day Marriage Challenge. I think I might add the 30 Days of Lists challenge too!

30 ideas that were posted for her Challenge in 2011. Click on the Lists to link back to the blog!

Here's the website http://30daysoflists.com/

There are so many wonderful ideas and they don't have to be made out to be a challenge. This 30 Days of Lists really helps a person think and learn a little about themselves. I might have my girls also do a challenge like this with me so we can share our answers. Wonderful way to connect...or even my girlfriends and get together at the end of the month to share and enjoy a nice visit and glass of vino?

My oldest just pointed out to me that Kurt Cobain died on this day. I pointed out to her that it was 19 years ago, I was 13 the day he died. My daughter is 13 today. Funny. Kurt Cobain was my dream crush and adorned every inch of my bedroom walls at 13. While my oldest shares similar taste in music she is not as taken with Kurt or his music, she likes Avenged Sevenfold (Ummm yum have to say M Shadows....super YUM!), she also likes Limp Bizkit or more specifically Wes Borland! <-- That is a band I grew up with, as is the Bloodhound Gang! Funny how we are so alike.

Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Corey Haim, Brad Renfro, Johnathan Brandis....they all had special places on my wall...and now all have special places up in heaven. Each left far too early. I wonder why all the famous crush's I had died years later? Kurt Cobain took the cake though. He has also been the only man's name to ever adorn my skin. That was a little mistake I made and years later it has faded as has my crush for him but his music lives on. If only each of these troubled souls could see that life does get better, tomorrow is a new day....so much talent lost.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Today My Name Is...Strength

YAAAAWWWWWWNNNNN

I did it...I woke my butt up at 4:50am, got ready and made it for my 5:15am Yoga. I was pumped to be doing it so getting up wasn't hard, getting there wasn't a challenge either.

I take my Yoga at: http://namaste-mindbodysoul.com/Home_Page.html

It was wonderful. It felt fantastic to feel the body stretch and move. I have crappy flexibility so I cannot wait to see how far I get this month flexibility wise. There were poses where I could feel the pain as I held a pose but I made it through. I could benefit balance wise as well which I learned today. It was a great first morning class and I look forward to the next already. My competitive side is itching to see this out and go further, be better with each class.

Day one and I think I may very well be hooked to yoga for the long term. I actually thought about possibly doing hot yoga sometime. I know so many friends who talk about it with great enthusiasm however I have always worried I would pass out, throw up or do something embarrassing. I am sure others do but I dread the idea and anxiety builds even in the thought of it. The pre-thought ruined the possibility of it becoming more than a thought to be real honest. Today I re-visited that idea though and looked up studios close by and will ask more about it tomorrow. I know one of the studios offers beginners hot yoga at a lower temp. That I like!

Perhaps after a month of yoga and learning new poses and feeling better I might consider it. Hopefully I have built up confidence as well in the month. Lots riding on this month's challenge.

I got home feeling energized, stoked about making it up and through my first morning yoga session. I did my morning routine, woke my girls up to get ready for school, had breakfast, fed my parrot, let the dogs out, made homemade buns. My girls will be happy. They like whole wheat but love white buns. I did a 60% white, 40% whole wheat flour mix and added lots of flax seeds. They rose up nice and fluffy. I also enjoyed a new yummy smoothie blend of papaya, blueberries, mixed frozen berries, pineapple, kiwi and a mango yogurt. Mmmm Mmmm

Did I mention yet Calgary weather sucks!!! I had a migraine yesterday starting around lunch when the weather began to change right up until I fell asleep. I woke up without one however and couldn't have been happier. Well wouldn't you know it, crappy weather and it's back again!! I hope it pisses off, I have a long day ahead still.

Speaking of weather...

Yes that was big news for Calgary Flames fans recently. Iggy was traded to Philly...perhaps the Penguins coming to the Zoo were a prelude to what was eventual for Jerome? Sad to see such a great player and guy leave. Hope the Flames can rebuild and perhaps bring back the excitement of the Red Mile once again. Kipper will retire end of this season as well. Lots happening hockey wise...at least there is hockey after that gawd awful lock out.

In other news of significance...Ralph Klein passed away March 29th. Funeral/Memorial is tomorrow.

Stress perhaps didn't help the migraine as I received a message this morning that was upsetting. My grandmother was found unresponsive this morning. She has been in failing heath, a life long smoker now battling the hell which is emphysema. She was just released from the hospital yesterday after 2 blood clots in the lungs and an aneurysm in her stomach. She was rushed back this morning and thankfully was resuscitated. She is now in ICU and it's not looking good. I am glad I quit smoking and hope my senior years find me better off, especially in the end. So it has been a bit of a roller coaster of a day to say the least. For now all is well.

It's rough days like today that I know I am in a good place emotionally. I have the positivity to find happiness in the little things, the strength to keep going and fight against myself to feel better. I am glad I found this person I am right now. I really like her.

As the day progressed so did my lovely migraine and I stayed home in the evening while my husband went to Cochrane with our oldest for the RAB cup team practice, and my parents took my youngest to her riding lesson. She was thrilled to show them how far she's come and I was happy they could come see her. I hope it cheered my dad up.

Here is the dreaded start of the Challenge Selfie. Not very flattering is it? Sorry I didn't get a little more presentable. This is me. No make up most days, hair brushed and pulled back, and wearing something non-restricting and sporty. I like comfort. Flattering it be not...keep in mind I also have a migraine so the fact I have blogged and took a picture is a miracle. I will take another mid month maybe to see if I can see any change.

Tomorrow I will post measurements including weight. I didn't manage to get measurements today, I know I should have been more prepared considering this is the big day one but alas...I sucked as bad as Calgary weather. I did however get a crappy pic to tide any interested parties over and will post my weight.

Drumroll............... (I should let the drumroll just roll into tomorrow's update)............

No? Okay... 166 pounds. ICK! BMI of 27.3 indicating I may be overweight and at risk for health issues. 140 pounds would have me in normal range. Oh how I have let myself go. I would be happy to be at 140 right now. Frustration, depression to a point, anger and much more have gotten me as I said into a crappy place. I recognized it though and kudos at least, I am making a change. Project Megan. Maybe at the end of 2013 I can have a month where it's a Make Over Megan Month...that could be fun! Wonder how daring I could be? Hair? Wardrobe make over?

Annnnndd.....Measurements! Had you going!

Hips: 45inches Thighs: 26inches Waist: 38inches
Chest: 41inches Biceps: 13 inches

I feel ill after those measurements. Hope they come down a lot!

Today My Name is Strength!