Today My Name Is....Heartache

I am sorry for the sporadic posts. My grandmother passed away Saturday at 9:30am. It was with a heavy heart that we all went through the weekend.

It's Monday and I am still finding it hard to come to the realization that she is gone, it seems unreal. I just saw her a few weeks ago. Numb would best describe the way I feel. I'm making it by but not truly comprehending that she is no longer with us.

Her humor and strong wonderful personality remained with her right up until the end and she went in peace and without pain. I am thankful it was fairly quick and that she was not in pain. I am just sad that there will not be another tomorrow to spend with her. Our family will find the next days, weeks, months and going forward a struggle I have no doubt. Holidays will be hard. My grandmother was a woman who brought us all together, and was strong for all of us. She brought an abundance of love, laughter and great memories to each and every one of us. Through the loss of two husbands and a daughter she remained positive and upbeat. She never let anything beat her and was a fighter until the end able to keep up with all of us. She was positive and a giver, never asking for anything in exchange. She gave and gave with a heart of love. Our happiness was her reward.

My oldest daughter is so immensely thankful she was able to share another ringette game with her and gain a bronze in provincials just weeks ago. It was an exciting moment to share with her great grandmother. Our last visit was not nearly long enough and I wish in a way that it hadn't been a ringette filled weekend. My grandmother wouldn't have had it any other way. She was so proud of my girls. So proud of every single one of us in the family. My youngest is sad that she did not come. She is taking the loss a little harder it appears or at least more openly emotional. We all loved her dearly.

We all grieve because we are without Grandma. I am sure she is up in heaven with my grandfathers, her parents, her daughter and now able to be with all of us at once and she wouldn't change that. She is able to golf and move free of her oxygen tanks. She is our angel. I know she will watch over us and be with us to share in every moment still.

 

I really wish I could see her just one more time, to hug her one last time and remind her how much I love her. She left knowing she was loved tremendously.

My heart is heavy as I am sure it will remain for sometime. I am going forth strong as she would have wanted. I did not take off work as she would not want me or anyone to stop their lives to mourn. She would not want us sad, but it's hard when we know who we lost and what an amazing person she was.

Monday began with an inner argument...I didn't want to get out of bed, no different from the weekend, but I did. I pushed myself to get up.

I got up and made it to yoga. It was good to be at yoga, and pushed hard today in new poses that challenged every muscle. I am positive tomorrow I will be sore. I just tell myself that the pain is a reminder that I am alive, and I have the ability to do this while others do not. I remind myself that I am doing this to better my body in every way. It feels good and I remind my body that the stretches feel good, I enjoy it. I'm glad I got up and pushed myself to go. Yoga was a feel good, it lifted my spirits even if only for an hour.

I made fresh buns again for lunches. My grocery list came together, budgeting got done, a list of things to do completed. I needed to keep busy.

I am thankful that I have family around to lean on, and grateful for my supportive friends. I am blessed to be surrounded by truly wonderful people, a big part of that support are those from the ringette community both past that I played with, and present that my girls play with. Sports are more than just a game or team, they really become so much more.

Through it all I maintain positivity and motivation determined to continue my challenge and see life transformation. I thank my Grandmother for being the person she was, a lady I looked up to, one who has left me with a lifetime of fun memories I will cherish. I thank her for her time shared with us and for all that she did. She was truly amazing. She was the bomb, a real kick ass grandmother. Our family is short one very special person but we are all better for having had her in our lives. XO Grandma C, Rest in Peace. Much love always and forever until we meet again!

Today My Name Is....Heartache