Today My Name Is...Lost

It's Wednesday. I just published the post I started on Monday. It lacked pictures, I just didn't know what to put.

I missed yoga yesterday. I claimed to have slept in and really I did. I couldn't move. It wasn't that my body was sore or that I was up to late, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am finding that it's completely hit me, I have lost my grandmother whom I adored. While I have memories I lack her in the physical sense. There have been so many moments the last few days where I have wanted to call her or have mentioned her completely forgetting or perhaps just denying that she is gone. I can still hear her voice in mind, her laugh. While my tears are not a stream my heart hurts. I cannot imagine not seeing her again. I have so many emotions at the present time.

I went to yoga today. I love how my body feels but my heart is not with it. I wish my positivity would resurface and motivation. I am bummed, that pretty much sums it up. Bummed, mad, sad...lost.

I have stopped the Weight Watchers half month challenge. While doubling up and keeping busy with challenges might be a good thing I also think it could make me feel worse if I don't do well. So I will start a 30 day Weight Watchers in May. Start fresh and hopefully by then I will be feeling more myself and not so deeply pained by the loss come the first of May. I don't see this as quitting but rather supporting myself at this time. Setting myself up for success vs failure.

I wish I had more to say. I keep pressing on, crossing off things to do, glad my daughters and job keep me busy. I wish I had another day to spend with my grandma. I wish we could all live forever. Just one more Yahtzee game...one more hug. I am sad, but lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing grandmother who loved us all dearly. I am far better for having had her in my life and know the depth of my sadness is only because I know of what greatness I have lost.

Today My Name is...Lost